A Reflection on the Possibilty of “Difficult” Grace

We have learned that we should know by the end of the month if we have been approved as a match for the child we are pursuing.

This discovery came with a qualification; There is the possibility that due to my past experience with depression – a part of my person that was completely, miraculously healed when I accepted Christ – the board making the decision may have difficulty approving us.

Depression is not taken lightly in Thailand, which I fully understand, accept and respect. This difference from western culture is just one of the many ways that theirs is different from ours, and I am thankful for each reminder of the diversity of God’s created people. As I say that, I completely acknowledge that I wish with all my heart this was not the aspect of our homestudy that the decision may hinge on, because if this disqualifies us from adopting this child, it will likely indicate that it is a roadblock to any adoption from Thailand.

There is a weight of guilt and the realization that the guilt exists due to lack of trust in God’s sovereignty, and is an indication of my own desire for control, and in a way, my inability to always remember that even my broken past has been redeemed by Christ.

At any rate, I do not write this to burden you, the reader, but to ask for your prayer that God’s will be done, because He alone can wash away this past blemish, and that I would be a trusting, faithful, JOYFUL follower. I ask for the faith of David – who, after his awful transgression against Uriah and the subsequent death of his child, washed his face, ate, and accepted God’s grace, difficult as that must have been – in the event that we are denied because of my past. Whatever the outcome, I choose thanksgiving and pray that our prayers are proper.

Most importantly, we are praying to witness the miraculous hand of God at work.

-Danielle

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5 thoughts on “A Reflection on the Possibilty of “Difficult” Grace

  1. Sara Lucero November 8, 2012 / 21:35

    Oh Danielle. I know all too well how easy it is to try to take control when things get rough. I admire your humble heart. I am definitely praying for you 3! 🙂

    • camorlinga November 8, 2012 / 21:47

      Thank you, Sara, that is a big comfort. It’s a blessing, also, to know we aren’t alone in our control issues 🙂

  2. Erika Gill November 8, 2012 / 22:05

    Wait how do ANY Americans manage to adopt from Southeast Asia if they take it so seriously? I understand it is cultural but one in every three Americans experiences depression in a lifetime. Only a fraction are ever treated for it. Do they take that into consideration at all? I don’t mean to pry or be rude, because I don’t know details, but the whole “broken past” thing seems like a dangerous way of thinking about a very common human experience.

    • camorlinga November 8, 2012 / 22:23

      Hi Erika, I hear what you’re saying. Depression is so common, or at least more commonly diagnosed here, that it’s just become this unpleasantly normal part of life. I use the phrase “broken past” and do refer to my depression, but also, and perhaps more so, to the way that I lived before I was saved. Broken is a very appropriate word for that time of my life. I guess I just want to clarify that that isn’t a judgment on depression, it’s not a thing that we can control, and though i might argue that using the word “broken” to describe that state of living may sometimes be appropriate, I am mostly using it to describe who I was as a whole person. Does that make sense? I am totally fine sharing in vivid detail if it would help clarify, but probably better face to face so the emotions and full meaning behind words come through 🙂 I’m glad you made that point; I don’t like to be unclear!

  3. Tamara Behm November 27, 2012 / 04:41

    Since we don’t speak as often as we did when we lived 1600 miles closer, as an RN I understand where you are coming from with depression. As family, I also understand with what has happened over the last two years, if that is what you are talking about. I can assure you there is nothing worse than the feeling of rejection over not receiving a child, I have been through it. It landed me in an undiagnosed depression for months and then making a huge leap into having another child of our own came with much difficulty and soul searching involving a close relationship with God. I have no regrets with the grace God gave me and my three beautiful children. Unfortunately it created a crevice in my relationship with my family that never did heal. You were all too young at the time to understand. Just remember if a door closes, or several close, God has a plan you will need to open your heart to. It may not be the plan you had, it is always his plan. Let go and Let GOD!

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